


without you

by irnhero



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Baby Peter Parker, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Superfamily, Superhusbands, hes just a sleepy baby boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-26 12:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19006204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irnhero/pseuds/irnhero
Summary: Tony could already feel the soreness settling in his muscles and a headache creeping in. Ugh. The day had been shit, pretty much from the jump. Peter had caught a cold a few days before and had a fussy night which meant no sleep for anyone. Then they were called out for a mission in the middle of breakfast (it was a miracle they’d been able to get ahold of the sitter at a moment’s notice on a Sunday). Oh, and then his husband nearly died right in front of him. So yeah. Shit day.





	without you

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading! comments and kudos appreciated! 
> 
> big thank you to ladyofthesun for being a super cool beta

Tony could already feel the soreness settling in his muscles and a headache creeping in. Ugh. The day had been shit, pretty much from the jump. Peter had caught a cold a few days before and had a fussy night which meant no sleep for anyone. Then they were called out for a mission in the middle of breakfast (it was a miracle they’d been able to get ahold of the sitter at a moment’s notice on a Sunday). And then his husband nearly died right in front of him. So yeah. Shit day.

It was quiet now. Calm. Basically the opposite of how he felt - like a storm was raging inside his head and his chest, weakening his resolve with every clap of thunder. But here, in his bedroom, it was still. Almost serene. 

Peter’s head covered in a thin patch of brown hair was tucked into the crook of Tony’s neck and the three-month-old slept soundly. Normally this scene would calm Tony immediately. Tiny fists clutching the collar of his shirt, soft little breaths brushing his skin, this warm little body settled on his chest. But as Tony sat on the squishy blue loveseat in his bedroom, calm was the last thing he could feel.

It had been Steve’s idea, the loveseat. There had been a big, empty space in their room beside a stretch of the massive floor-to-ceiling windows that took the place of an exterior wall. The view was stunning with the city sprawled out beneath them and Steve had insisted on a place from which it could be admired properly. So, they’d purchased the soft little couch in the same dark blue as their bedspread. They’d spent so many mornings and nights there lounging together, watching the sun rise and fall over the sleepless city below. Peter loved to sit here and watch the movement of the cars on the street and the clouds above. 

If Tony closed his eyes, he could almost feel Steve there, wrapping strong arms around him and dropping kisses into his hair. He could almost feel the warmth of of his husband’s embrace chasing away the cold of the storm.

But as quickly as he’d captured the warmth Steve around him, he lost it to the cold image of a life without it. The memory of today jumped back to the forefront of Tony’s mind. 

_ Steve hit the ground hard with a sickening thud. He’d fallen from maybe a story up in the air where he’d been battling with only of the flying droids they’d been called out to handle. Tony shouldn’t be so worried. Steve had certainly fallen from much higher heights before. But Steve had fallen flat on his back and he still hadn’t gotten up. In fact… he didn’t look like he was moving at all. _

_ Tony’s mind raced with possibilities as he shot off towards his husband’s still form. Maybe he was just faking out the bots. Or he’d punctured his spinal cord. Or fallen on something and impaled himself. Or landed on his head and made a smoothie out of his brain. What if he was dead? What would Tony do then? He would have to raise Peter alone. Oh god, Peter. Their son would hardly remember Steve if he died now. He would be nothing but a photo on the wall, stories told in somber voices. Oh no. No no no no no no. Damn it, why wasn’t he moving.  _

_ By the time Tony landed at his side, Steve was already blinking himself awake.  _

_ “I’m fine, just blacked out for a second.” _

_ “Cap, your head, you should-” _

_ “I’m fine. Really, I’m good” _

_ And he was up and off to finish the fight. _

Tony’s eyes snapped open and he forced himself to take a deep but slow breath, remembering his son snoozing on his chest. Maybe he was overreacting a little. This kind of thing happened to them all the time. This was their job. Their job was dangerous. It was the kind of thing they had to be prepared for and it was hardly anything the hadn’t been through before. This wasn’t even the worst of Steve’s scrapes with death. This was nothing in comparison to incidents past. 

Except it wasn’t nothing. This time felt different. This time  _ was  _ different and the big change was snuggled in Tony’s arms. This was the first big mission they had been on together since Peter was born and certainly the first major near-death incident. They had been living in a bubble these past three months adjusting to fatherhood, to this massive and world-altering addition to their lives. No Big Baddies had shown up until now, at least nothing the team couldn’t handle without them so, they’d stayed behind in their haze of domestic bliss. And it had been amazing.

Tony’s thumb brushed lazily over Peter’s back and let his eyes rake over the view spread out before him. It was overcast today, like it might rain. It felt like an apt time for rain.

As much as Tony loved his job and his suits… he’d hardly missed them in the three months he’d spent without them. Perhaps it was the havoc of caring for a newborn that chased them from his mind, in fact, he was sure it had played a part. But he also felt that there was something more. Like maybe he was ready to take a step back, to slow down. Peter had changed everything about his life. Everything he thought he knew about life, about his marriage, about himself had been turned on its head. This little baby was the center of his universe now and there was nothing Tony wouldn’t do for him, including give up his job. And he felt that maybe - just maybe - he was ready for that. Not completely of course, he had no plans to through in the towel tomorrow or anything crazy. But maybe a few steps back, just to test the waters, was something he could do. Something he wanted to do.

Tony turned his head slowly and pressed the gentlest kiss he could manage onto Peter’s soft little forehead.  _ This  _ was what he wanted.

Just then Tony heard feet on the steps down the hall from his open bedroom door, breaking the perfect silence he’d been surrounded by since Peter drifted off. Tony tensed immediately. He wasn’t exactly looking forward to this conversation. 

A few moments later, Steve appeared beside him leaning back carefully against the couch, back to the windows. He was bruised and bandaged but otherwise alright. Steve stuffed his hands in the pockets of his SI hoodie and looked down at Tony and Peter, a soft smile playing on his lips. 

“Hey” Steve almost whispered into the quiet of the room.

“Hi” Tony avoided Steve’s gaze, turning his eyes to some distant point outside the window. 

“Hey little guy,” Steve spoke gently to the sleeping baby and reached a hand out to run a finger over Peter’s cheek. “I kinda hoped I’d get to see you before bedtime.”

“You wanna put him down for me?” Tony offered, preparing to hand off the baby.

Steve nodded and leaned down to accept the infant, still slumbering. The poor thing must have been exhausted. Tony handed Peter off slowly to Steve who adjusted Peter in his arms and pressed a few kisses to the crown of his little head.

Tony sat back against the arm of the loveseat and finally met Steve’s eye. That was it. Tony’s whole world right there in front of him in comfy sweats and a Hulk onesie. Everything that mattered to him right here in this room.  _ I can’t lose this,  _ he thought with certainty.  _ I won’t lose this.  _

“What?” Steve asked, raising an eyebrow quizzically.

Tony didn’t answer right away. He took a few more moments to enjoy n the sight of his family before replying with an easy, “Nothing.”

Steve threw him one last wondering look before making his way to the door. Tony watched them go, only turning back to the window after Steve had turned out of their room towards Peter’s and out of his line of sight.

Tony scrubbed his face and dropped his head heavily in his hands, elbows resting on his knees.  _ I’m not losing this. _

Tony didn’t raise his head when Steve returned to their room, or when he took his place beside Tony on the loveseat, curling one leg up in front of him so they could face each other. The air felt heavy with tension and it weighed on Tony’s head and heart.

“I don’t want to have this fight.” Tony sighed, dropping one of his hands into his lap and turning his head to see Steve’s face. He looked almost as tired as Tony felt. And apprehensive. Like he knew what was coming. 

“I don’t wanna do this thing where I yell at you for being stupid and reckless and you yell at me about duty and the job and whatever the hell else you usually say.” Steve’s jaw clenched a little at that comment. 

“We don’t have to fight.” Steve said simply, like it was just that easy. It was never that easy.

Tony gave a rueful chuckle. “Of course we do. It’s us. I just can’t…” Tony sighed deeply and scrubbed his face with his free hand. Words could never just come easy at a time like this. It always has to be a struggle. But maybe Steve was right (a little). Maybe it didn’t have to be a fight this time.

Tony took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He knew what he wanted to say. He just needed to string the words together. After a few beats of silence, he sat up and leaned against the arm of the loveseat, facing Steve once more. Their knees just barely touched on the close quarters of the little blue couch. He knew what he wanted to say; he just had to say it. 

“On our wedding day,” Tony began with a sigh, “I thought, ‘this is the happiest I will ever be’. Everything about it was just so perfect. Never in a million years did I think what I had that day could be topped. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. The fact that we ever even met at all was a miracle in and of itself but this? What we have? One in a billion chance at best. That day I didn’t think I could be happier; I didn’t think I physically had it in me to feel anymore than I did then.”

Steve’s mouth curved into a little half-smile as Tony spoke. Both of them fiddled with their simple gold wedding bands in their own ways, a nervous habit they’d picked up over the years.

“And-” a pause, “And then Peter came along and blew everything else out of the damn water.” Even in Tony’s surly mood, he couldn’t fight back the upturn of his lips thinking of the day his boy was born. “I watched you and him that day for a minute while I was signing the paperwork. I watched you looking down at him, holding him like he was the most precious thing in the universe. My sappy ass watched you two together and I thought I was gonna burst from how happy I was. I didn’t know I was  _ capable  _ of feeling that much at once, never thought for a minute that I ever would.”

Tony ran a hand roughly through his hair and fell silent for a moment, watching Steve watch him. There was a soft understanding in his eyes.

“Neither did I. I never thought I’d get you or Pete or any of this.” Steve admitted, gesturing vaguely to the room around them. “But I did. And I’m grateful for it every single day.

Tony nodded slowly, dropping his gaze from his husband to his fidgeting hands. Steve liked to make everything sound simple. This was This, That was That, and there was nothing else to it. But Tony had never been able to see anything that way. Everything was complicated, everything had a million variables and each one had to be analyzed just so. They always clashed here, at the chasm between simple and complicated and finding common ground was never easy.

“You both make me so happy,” Tony began again, meeting Steve’s eyes once more. “I can hardly breathe.” The end of his sentence was barely more than a whisper. If it hadn’t been for the pin-drop silence of their room, it would have been lost entirely. 

“It makes me dizzy sometimes, just looking at you. Never thought I’d have it but I  _ do.  _ You’re my whole world, my whole universe, you know that? I could lose it all - the suits, the job, the money, everything - none of it means a damn thing without you two next to me.  _ None of it. _ But-”

Tony clutched his left wrist and rubbed at it roughly. Steve kept his silence, waiting patiently for Tony to go on. He had to say this. He just had to.

“But when I saw you hit the ground today, I felt just for a second what it would be like to lose this. And it was the worst thing I’ve ever felt in my life. It was like… it was indescribable. Nothing I can say would make you understand what I felt in that moment. I’d rather get this hunk of fucking metal shoved into my chest a thousand times over before feeling that again. I  _ mean  _ that Steve.”

Steve looked taken aback by Tony’s words, by the seriousness and emotion in his voice. Steve’s blue eyes held so much behind them; sadness, concern, and understanding. This wasn’t another throw-away fight about Steve’s actions where they yelled, apologized, and left it behind to be dragged up another day. This one was different. It had to be.

“I don’t want do this without you, Steve. I can’t, I-” Tony shook his head lightly. One Breath. Two. “I can’t do this without you. Peter, he- he needs us, both of us. He needs you.  _ I  _ need you, here and alive. I want him to grow up with two parents who aren’t getting kidnapped or the shit kicked out of them every other day. I want him to be  _ safe. _ ”

Tony met Steve’s eyes and saw thinly veiled hurt there.

“I want him to be safe too. I want him to have us here. Don’t you think I want that?” Steve said, an edge on his voice.

“I’m not saying that you don’t, but today-” Tony began carefully but Steve cut in.

“Tony, it’s the job, you know-” Cap mode was clearly engaged as Steve started the usual spiel.

Cap could shut the fuck up as far as Tony was concerned. This was none of his goddamn business. Captain Fucking America was the one who was out there risking Tony’s husband’s life and he could just. _ Shut .Up.  _

“It’s different now Steve!” Tony shouted, clutching the couch cushions until his knuckles turned white in his frustration. He could feel angry tears burning behind his eyes. Steve jumped a bit at his outburst but didn’t care.  _ How can he not get this?  _

“Before-” Tony stopped himself, closing his eyes and forcing a few deep breaths. This wasn’t supposed to be a fight.  _ But he’s being so.... So Steve!  _ No. Not a fight. Tony turned in his seat to face Steve fully and braced an arm on the back of the sofa, raising that hand to rub at his temple. His headache was getting worse.

_ Deep breath.  _ Tony opened his eyes and looked at his husband. His amazingly kind, noble, perfectly imperfect husband. God, he did not want to fight. Not that he ever did want to fight, but right now, about this? He didn’t want to fight about this. Not again. But he didn’t want to lose what he had either. With the calmest tone he could muster, Tony began again.

“Before, when it was just us, I would have survived. I know that now. If I-” the words felt stuck in his throat. His voice turned shaky but he went on. “If I had lost you, I would have survived. But it’s different now. Peter changed everything. If I lost you now - if we lost you, I don’t think I’d make it.” 

Steve’s eyes turned soft and sad and any argument he’d been building fell to pieces in his hands. He always said he could hardly bare to see Tony cry. 

Tony swiped away any tears before they had a chance to fall freely and composed himself best he could.

“Now that I’ve had this happiness, our family… I couldn’t stand to lose it. These last few months have been the best of my life. But today I saw how easily it could all be taken away and I can’t let that happen, I won’t, I- I-” He scrubbed a hand over his face and sucked in a few ragged breaths to chase away the broken sobs he could feel crawling up his throat.

Steve took Tony’s free hand and held it tight, letting his fingers linger over Tony’s ring. Steve’s knuckles were covered in already healing bruises and his hands were calloused as always but they were still warm and still his and still here. Still here.

“Sweetheart… what are you asking of me?” Steve spoke softly but his voice was steady. “Do you want me to stop? To quit?”

“No,” Tony answered, shaking his head. Even if he did ask it, Steve would never agree to it. “I wouldn’t ask you to do that. I’m asking you to slow down. Step back. I want it for both of us. We can do it together.”

Tony held his breath and watched the gears turn behind Steve’s eyes. It was a lot to ask of him. Tony knew how Steve loved his job, how important being Cap was to him; Tony felt the same way about his suits. But he hoped that maybe, just maybe, Steve would be able to do this for their family. A tiny part of him dared to hope that Steve may even  _ want  _ this.

Steve held Tony’s gaze and gave his hand another firm squeeze. Something was different behind those blue eyes. There was something there that Tony had never seen before, at least not fights or conversations passed concerning his recklessness and the job. It wouldn’t be a fight this time.

“You’re right.” Steve said simply. Tony could still hardly believe his ears. He hadn’t been expecting a fight but ‘ _ you’re right’ _ ?! That one came straight out of left field.

“I’m sorry, what? Did you just say I was right?” His tone felt a little out of place for such a serious and meaningful conversation but he couldn’t help it. He was right. Steve thought he was right. No more argument, no more anything. He was right.

The corners of Steve’s mouth turned up and he let a light chuckle escape him. Was it really going to be that easy?

“You’re right, Tony. Peter needs his parents, both of them. Our job puts us in the kind of danger we can’t always see coming, not to mention the danger Pete is in by just being our kid.” 

Steve raised his free hand and brushed a hair away Tony’s forehead before cupping his face and letting his thumb graze gently over the skin there. 

“You two,” Steve continued, “are everything to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you and I don’t even wanna think about it for a second. If you think stepping back is the right move for us, for Peter, then I trust you and I’m with you. I don’t wanna lose this either.”

Tony closed his eyes and leaned forward, burying his head in Steve’s neck. He felt strong arms wrap around him and hug him close. It was like an immense weight had been lifted off of his chest, finally allowing him to breathe easily for the first time. 

This was the turning point. There would certainly be a press conference or two to announce the official stepping-back of the team’s leaders but it was nothing they couldn’t handle. The team was growing in size and strength and he was sure they could carry on just fine with Tony and Steve on the sideline every now and then. Steve had said himself that he agreed with Tony, that this was the right move for them. For the first time in a long time, he didn’t have to worry. For now, for this, everything was going to be just fine.

“So,” Tony said, his words muffled by Steve’s skin, “next time there’s a minor robot invasion…”

Steve laughed, a low rumble that Tony could feel in his own chest, and pressed his smiling lips into Tony’s temple. 

“We’ll keep making pancakes.”

**Author's Note:**

> reblog here [xxx](https://irnhero.tumblr.com/post/185209883827/without-you)


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